Motherhood, 26 January 2024.
5 post-birth mental hurdles you might face as a new mom.
By Daniella Kilpatrick
Becoming a mom for the first time was honestly the best moment of my life to date, but it also came with some massive mental struggles that no one had prepared me for.
I think I focused so much on birth that I wasn’t mentally prepared for what came after and what it was going to feel like to be a new mom, especially in those first few weeks. Plus, no one had openly spoken about these struggles, so how was I to know any better.
So this is me, giving you the heads up I wish someone gave me before I became a mom.
- New mom isolation
You know what those 6 weeks at home post c-section felt like to me…? The COVID lockdown! Because I was cooped up in the house, taking care of my newborn baby 24/7. I couldn’t just jump in my car and go off to buy lunch; I couldn’t go quickly see a friend, go to the gym, or get some fresh air. I so badly wanted to have a break from the new mom isolation I was feeling, but I had to wait for someone else to drive me.
Leaving the house with a newborn felt like a massive task that required a lot of careful planning around nap and feed times, which made it seem easier to just stay at home. Plus, I was in a heap of pain and feeling exhausted, so all I wanted to do was sleep, but naps and nighttime sleep were few and far between.
“Sleep when the baby sleeps” everyone says, but what about the one hundred other things you need to do while they’re sleeping? I mean as soon as your baby is asleep, you have to take your pick between a quick nap, a much-needed shower, grabbing a quick bite to eat, or quickly getting through some chores. I would cram as much as I could into those precious nap times, especially since I was still trying to run my business as well.
As someone who has always needed a minimum of eight solid hours of sleep at night, this was something to get used to, especially since I don’t drink coffee or energy drinks at all. But I actually surprised myself because I powered through it all with zero caffeine, but it was not without its challenges.
Not doing things when YOU want to do them was something to get used to. Not being able to just take a nap when you’re tired, have a bite when you’re hungry, or take a shower when you’re stinky, were all things to get used to.
Those first few weeks of motherhood were something to get used to.
The focus always seems to be on the baby, and almost everyone forgets about the mother. You might even forget about looking after yourself. And as you continue to take the backseat and your post-partum hormones run wild, you might start to feel strained, exhausted, emotional, and it can all take a toll on your mental well-being.
I’m 100% sure that if you ask any new mom, she will tell you that those first weeks were the start of the best time of her life, but simultaneously probably one of the hardest times of her life.
It’s tough to try and explain it to someone who hasn’t experienced it for themselves because it seems impossible to be both the best and most challenging times, all at the same time. So I’m going to try my best to let you in on some of the mental hurdles most new moms face (whether they knew it or not) so you can better understand.
- The motherhood chaos
Those first few weeks can feel a bit chaotic because each day is so unpredictable, and you have no idea what you’re doing half the time so you just survive the best you can. It can feel like all you’re doing is feeding, burping, and trying to get your baby to sleep (because you are), and then trying to cram everything else you used to do in a whole day into the few hours you have left.
Any routines or free time you had before can quite possibly go out the window. If you’re an organized person like me who likes to plan ahead, have a tidy house, and have a routine, it can feel like your comfort blanket has been ripped out right underneath you. No warning, no time to slowly get used to it, it’s just sink or swim, and there’s just no time to adjust to the new messy chaos you now live in.
Not being able to plan your day or know what next week will look like was weird for me.
A newborn’s routine is so unpredictable, so even just trying to plan a visit when your baby is awake is near impossible. You might also try to make plans when you think your baby will be awake and then people come over, but the baby has just fallen asleep, so you end up missing out on a great nap or a much-needed lie down because your visitors wanted to stay and wait for the baby to wake up again.
My tip to beat the chaos:
Don’t! So much of it is out of your control and there is not enough time in a day to fix it all.
So just embrace it. It’s honestly so temporary, and you’ll find your groove soon enough again.
- Being too afraid to ask for help
Most moms seem too scared to ask for help because they think they can do it all and that it’s their job to do it all. Well yes, you might be able to do it all, but it’s definitely not what anyone expects of you.
It can make you feel awful, so please don’t try to be a super mom. Having a supportive partner who shares the baby duties, family that can help occasionally, a good friend who can lighten your load, or a paid helper is a definite must.
Being a new mom means you’ll start tasks and not being able to finish them because your baby woke up early from their nap, or you might just forget that you were even doing them in the first place. Remember preggy brain? It’s a version of that, on steroids. And yes, it can happen to anyone.
I have never been a forgetful person, yet motherhood made me so forgetful, making silly mistakes and of course, being less productive than usual. It used to drive me mad, as it was so unlike me, and it was definitely one of my biggest struggles post-partum that took some time to figure out.
Very quickly your life can start to feel like a bit of a mess, you could feel like a mess, and if you don’t have help, your home will very quickly become a mess. Chores start piling up, seeing your friends becomes less and less, and you can feel completely isolated or lost in it all. You might not be able to remember the last time you took a shower without worrying or “hearing” your baby crying, when you drank a hot cup of tea, sat on the couch and watched your favorite series, or went out alone.
That’s why it is so important to have help from others and know when to ask for help.
You are not weak for asking for help; your family and friends are just waiting patiently in the wings for your phone call; they want to help you.
Want to know a secret? You need help, and it’s okay to ask for it!
You are not a superwoman; yes, you’re now a super mom, but you do not need to do everything on your own, and no one expects you to.
You also need time to yourself to be able to eat, to sleep, to shower, to heal, and to spend some time alone once in a while if you need to.
Once I learnt to slow down and realized that breaks were not a luxury, they were a necessity, I started to feel a lot happier.
It’s also okay to be super productive some days and not get a single other thing done the next day. That’s your new reality, and that’s okay. It will return to normal one day, but for now, your baby and being a mother are your number one priority and your biggest purpose, and everything else will soon fall into place.
So don’t be afraid to ask for help. Remember, it takes a village.
- Mourning your old life
If you find yourself mourning your old life, craving some alone time, or wishing you did more before having a baby, these are all completely normal post-partum thoughts. It does not make you a bad mom; it makes you human.
You’re exhausted, you’re sleep-deprived, you’re covered in the smell of old milk. And of course, you’re most likely going to long for some alone time or some much-needed sleep without worrying if your baby is okay. You might wonder why you never traveled more or how you took a simple trip to the grocery store for granted.
All these things were taken away from you overnight, so just like a breakup or starting a new job, it’s going to take time to adjust to your new normal, and only normal that you miss some of the things you used to be able to do.
Remember: You’re allowed to feel this way; it doesn’t make you a bad mom. Also, remember that time heals everything, and that it will get easier, you’ll see.
My best feel-good tip:
You don’t have to give up everything you used to love doing after you have a baby. In fact, I want you to purposefully make time for it, on the regular, and as soon as you’re feeling up to getting out of the house. It doesn’t have to be for a whole day; it can even be a quick 30 minutes, but I want you to do something that you used to enjoy before having a baby, and to do it completely on your own.
And this is where having help comes in. Having a family member or a helper you can rely on is so valuable because it allows you to step out of the house for a bit so you can have some much-needed “me” time to help you stay sane, especially while you’re transitioning into the world of motherhood.
Once I could start driving again, I would do solo grocery trips once a week, go to the gym, or head off to the mall for an hour just to get out of the house by myself and slowly transition into my new life of being a mom. These feel-good moments used to fill my cup and give me a big ol’ reset before I went back to more feeding, burping, and looking after my baby.
Over time, I’ve needed less and less of these “by myself” moments, and now I prefer going out with Annabella more than being on my own.
- Mom guilt
Mom guilt can spring up on you for a whole bunch of reasons, even soon after birth.
You might feel guilty for not spending more time with your baby, especially if you have to go back to work quite soon after birth and have to put them in daycare or leave them at home with a nanny.
You might feel guilty for not being able to breastfeed as long as you would have liked to, or if you have to top up feeds with formula.
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves as new moms, often to correct mistakes we think our parents made with us or to mimic things we have seen around us. There are so many opinions and advice from others, and social media can make us feel like we aren’t doing enough because we might choose to do things differently.
Most of us have struggled with constant worrying, anxiety and questioning if what we’re doing is right. It’s so much pressure because you have no idea what you’re doing, you’re exhausted, and it’s your responsibility to keep your baby alive and happy. It’s like going into your biggest exam without opening a book beforehand.
You just hope that you’re making the best decisions for them and looking after them as best possible.
If that’s not enough, you might feel guilty for mourning your old life or wishing you could still do some things alone. And then when you are away from them, you might feel guilty for wanting to be away from them, even if it’s only for a short time. You don’t have to spend 24/7 with them, and you definitely shouldn’t feel guilty about it either.
But all these feelings of mom guilt are normal and expected.
The best advice I can give is to go with your mom intuition, always go with your gut. It’s almost always right, even if others might tell you otherwise.
You also don’t have to feel bad for wanting to do something for yourself, that will make you happy.
You can’t fill from an empty cup, so make sure you’re keeping your cup full too.
My journey into motherhood taught me that now my time just wasn’t mine to control. My little one now relied on me for everything, so helping her grow was top priority, and unlike chores or my business, I couldn’t hit pause and come back to her later on.
Every day she was growing, changing, and needing me in a different way. Every day, I was given a gift – an irreplaceable moment of time with her.
I knew that these moments with her would soon be over and replaced with a new stage of her life, and that I needed to soak in each and every minute with her because it was time I would never be able to get back.
On those tough nights when I longed for my bed or for this stage to be better, I would remind myself that she would never be as old as she was today.
It would always make me quite emotional, but it always helped me shift my focus to savouring every minute with her, even during those months of constant night feeds.
So there you have it:
Motherhood is a beautiful journey but like anything in life, it’s not without a few challenges. From the isolation that feels like a lockdown to the chaos that replaces your routines, the struggle is real. Don’t be afraid to ask for help; it’s not a sign of weakness but a strength to acknowledge when you need support.
If you find yourself mourning your old life, remember, it’s okay. Take time for yourself, and let others lend a hand. Embrace the chaos, cherish the messy moments, and savour the precious time with your little one. Mom guilt is normal but trust your instincts, you subconsciously know more than you think.
This bundle includes my pregnancy guide (trimester-by-trimester) and my breastfeeding & pumping guide.
This bundle includes my baby essentials checklist, shopping and budgeting plan, and step-by-step walkthrough of every single product you need to buy before baby arrives.
This bundle includes my new parent budget, hospital to home guide, mom’s recovery guide, everything about babies guide and baby to toddler milestone guide.
Hello! I'm Daniella Kilpatrick
The mom behind Hello Ma, let’s connect!